To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
by Ster J
Summary: REVISED! Nightmares, or fear of them, keep Spock awake. The survivors have found a solution. NEW ENDING ADDED.


I've tweaked and polished part 1 (Really should learn to do that BEFORE I post...) plus I've added a new ending.

Title: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Author: Ster Julie

Codes: AOS, S, Sa, Mc

Rating: PG

Part 1 of 1

Summary: Nightmares, or fear of them, keep Spock awake. The survivors have found a solution.

(Author's WARNING: The new section is full of shameless plugs for older stories of mine.)

From the Vulcan Language Dictionary:

_yuk-tor_ to sleep

_yuk-eshu'a_ nightmare

_rai_ no

_sa-fu_ son

_sa-mekh_ father

_run-tor_ dream

_muhl well_

_Ha'tha ti'lu_ Good morning

_k'diwa_ beloved

"--" denotes a change in memory/dream, Dream sections begin and end with *

--ooOoo--

"You look like hell, Spock." a gentle voice observed.

"And good evening to you, too, Doctor McCoy," the Vulcan replied tiredly.

McCoy gently took Spock by the elbow and led him to a relatively quiet corner of the Mess Hall.

"Have you gotten any sleep since Nero?" the doctor asked quietly.

Spock shook his head and murmured, "Too many nightmares."

McCoy dared to rub his hand over Spock's back at that admission. "That's not at all surprising." He moved Spock closer to the door, speaking quietly. "Look, Spock," he began, "I've turned the isolation ward into a dormitory for the other survivors. It's warm and quiet. There are privacy shields up and the monitors are running on silent mode. Those who come have been able to get some sleep, some real sleep."

Spock turned tired eyes to the doctor's concerned face. The promise of sleep was enticing.

"But my nightmares will disturb the others," Spock protested quietly.

"No they won't," McCoy promised. "In fact, you'll be in good company. If anyone has a nightmare, my staff is nearby, and the other survivors have begun to help each other out." McCoy pitched his voice even lower. "And I have some soporific drugs available if you need them." McCoy took the swaying Vulcan's arm. "C'mon, Spock. There's an empty bed waiting with your name on it—figuratively speaking, of course. You need to get some rest. I don't want to loose any more of your people."

Spock gazed at McCoy for several seconds, debating within himself whether he should take the doctor up on his offer. The ship was limping back to Earth after ejecting the warp core so they wouldn't get back to the planet for several more days. There would be much work to do and many debriefings to be made once they arrived. Spock knew he needed to be at his best.

"What time should I arrive, Doctor?" he said at last.

McCoy nodded and smiled gently. "The others start arriving at 20:00 hours," he replied, "but you can come at any time. Judging by your pallor, I'd recommend sooner rather than later."

--

Spock entered the first cubicle. He noted the low drapery that separated each sleeping area from the next yet did dot obscure the monitor panels over each bed. As silently as possible, he changed out of his uniform and into the folded sleep garment he found on the bed. McCoy was true to his word. The room was pleasantly warm and the lights were dim. There was even a faint scent of incense. Spock crawled between the sheets and fell fast asleep.

_"Spohk-kam?"_

Spock awoke with a start. Was that Sarek?

_"Spohk-kam? Spohk-kam! Safu, rai! Rai!"_

Spock got up from his bed and padded over to where his father was caught in a night terror.

_"Sa-mekh?"_ Spock called.

_"SPOHK-KAM!"_

Spock caught his father's shoulders as the elder Vulcan bolted right out of bed.

_"Yuk-eshu'a, Sa-mekh,"_ Spock soothed. _"Yuk-eshu'a."_ ("It was a nightmare, Father, a nightmare.")

_"Spohk-kam?"_ Sarek breathed. "You put your ship on a collision course."

Spock nodded. "Nero had to be stopped," he said softly.

"But not by sacrificing your life!" Sarek accused.

Spock sighed. "The needs of the many…"

"Bah!" Sarek exploded. "I already lost your mother. Must I lose you, too?" He grasped Spock's shoulders and drew him into his arms. "You are all I have left of her. You were her joy, Spock. You were the one who grew in her womb. Yours were the cheeks she kissed, the hair she carded through her fingers. You were the one she fought for and nurtured. She was so very proud of you, and she loved you. You have to take care of yourself, _Sa-fu_. I know you have duties, but please do not sacrifice your life. I cannot lose you. It would be like losing her again."

Spock looked at his father for long moments. He thought again of his actions against Nero. How fortunate for him that Kirk had ordered a beam out at precisely the moment before the impact of the Jellyfish ship on Nero's craft. No one was more surprised than Spock when he materialized on the transporter pad.

"Nyota has taught me something that is very illogical yet nonetheless very consoling," Spock murmured. "Our deceased family members live on in our memories and our hearts. I know that Mother occupied so much of your katra, Sa-mekh. She lives on as long as we remember her."

"When I look at you," Sarek replied, "I see your mother, in your coloring and dark eyes, in your strength and determination."

Spock lowered his head. "And I am reminded of my mother when I look at you," he began, "because I know that yours is the face she loved, yours are the arms that held her close, you are the one she loved with so much passion that she left behind her own people and her own world to make a home with you on alien soil."

Sarek brushed the backs of his fingers over the cheek of his oh-so-wise son. Looking over Spock's shoulder Sarek espied Dr. McCoy hovering near the entrance to his sleep cubicle. "I will need those drugs tonight after all, Doctor," he said.

McCoy nodded and injected the elder Vulcan after he was settled back in his bed. Spock leaned over Sarek as he was drifting off to slumber.

_"Yuk-tor muhl, Sa-mekh,"_ he whispered softly. _"Run-tor muhl."_

McCoy moved with Spock back to the Vulcan's own cubicle.

"This was Sarek's first attempt to sleep without the drugs" McCoy explained. "Obviously he wasn't ready to forgo them. Can I interest you in a dose?"

Spock sighed and settled himself on his cot. "I am surprised that you are giving me a choice in the matter, Doctor," he teased quietly.

McCoy thought about all the ways he could retaliate for that smart remark, like shooting the hypo into Spock's butt, but he restrained himself. He couldn't bring himself to tease Spock when the Vulcan was in such a state.

"Sleep well," McCoy said after unloading the hypo into Spock's shoulder. "Sweet dreams. I'll go learn how to say 'Good morning' in Vulcan for you."

"_Ha'tha ti'lu,"_ Spock mumbled sleepily._ "Ha'tha ti'lu."_

--

Sarek reached out and stroked his sleeping son's hair. Spock was still asleep nearly fourteen hours after McCoy's injection, proving how exhausted the younger Vulcan had been. Sarek suspected that the drugs had left Spock hours ago and now his son was sleeping normally.

From the looks of Spock's eyes dancing beneath his lids, Sarek suspected that Spock was having dream after dream. The younger Vulcan was curled on his side, his face showing traces of all that he was experiencing.

_*/Hunger. Hunger. Hunger. Panic. Hunger. Lonely. Fear. Hunger!/_

_Spock let out a mournful wail._

_"I'm right here, Mister Grumpy," she soothed. "Here's your breakfast."_

_/Warm. Sweet. Suckle. Relief. Comfort. Security. Love./_

_"That's right, Baby," she murmured. "Eat up. Mama loves you."_

_/Smile./_*

Sarek dared to peek into his son's dream. He got an image of a very young Amanda peering down with such affection.

He sighed mournfully. "Amanda, k'diwa."

--

_*Amanda reached over and chucked her son gently beneath his chin._

_"Show GranGran you toofies," she cooed softly to Spock._

_Spock turned to T'Pau, wrinkled his nose and proudly displayed his gums in a garish grin. There, poking from his gums, were the tiny points of two upper and two lower teeth._

_"Such an accomplishment!"_

_Spock cooed in agreement.*_

Sarek remembered that day, the day he lost a stone from the clan breastplate to his infant son who had insisted on teething on it.

--

*_It was the first day of Mommy and Me classes at the Vulcan Science Academy. Young Spock had never seen so many babies all at once. He pointed at them, jumped up and down on Amanda's lap, and squealed and shrieked in delight._

_The other mothers raised disapproving eyebrows at the young oh-so-human mother and her hybrid child. The instructor refused to begin until Spock was either quieted or removed._

_Amanda turned Spock in her arms until she was face-to-face with Spock, but he squirmed and stretched until he could see the babies again._

_"Baby," Amanda whispered desperately, "you have to be a good boy now. Sit up for Mama."_

_Spock protested with a loud shriek, which startled the other babies into a chorus of more acceptable whimpers. The other mothers calmed their children almost instantly with a gentle caress across their little brows. Amanda wished she could establish a telepathic link with Spock the way the other mothers obviously had with their babies. It would make life so much easier for her, for the whole family.*_

_Sarek was unfamiliar with this scene. He was surprised to see his own mother present at the child care center. He learned much about not only Amanda but about his mother as well._

_*"He is calm now," T'Pau whispered for Amanda's hearing only. "He only wanted to examine his new surroundings."_

_"At times like these, I wish I was telepathic, too, T'Sai," Amanda whispered back._

_T'Pau gazed on her grandson's young wife warmly. "It does not take telepathy," she said quietly. "Spock is too young for that. Just stroke his psi points to calm him."_

_Amanda was stunned. It was as simple as that. Any time Spock lost focus in the games and lessons the instructor assigned, Amanda gently brushed her fingers from Spock's left temple to his right. Immediately, Spock would focus on his mother and continue with the assignment, whether it was to roll a ball back and forth to Amanda, to pick up objects, to clap his hands, or various other eye-hand coordination lessons.*_

Sarek found it almost painful watching Spock relive so many memories of Amanda, yet he also was grateful for seeing parts of Amanda's life he had missed.

--

_*Young Spock watched Amanda with fascination. She was scurrying to and fro in his nursery, carrying clothing, diapers, powder, lotion, shoes, brush, and all sorts of paraphernalia and pushing it into a large suitcase._

_"How can someone so small need so many things?" Amanda cooed to her son._

_Spock just kept staring at his mother curiously while sucking on his fingers._

_The flurry of activity continued until the suitcase was unable to hold one more thing. Not even a sheet of paper could be squeezed inside._

_Spock's eyes grew wide with worry when the human tornado that was his mother turned to him._

_"Time to get you ready to go buh-bye!" Amanda announced sweetly._

_"Buh-bye?" Spock repeated._

_Amanda clapped her hands happily. "Yes, Baby, we're going buh-bye!" she confirmed. "We are going to see my mommy and daddy."_

_Spock was confused. How could someone so big have a mommy and a daddy?_

_"Grammy and PapPap Grayson will be so surprised to see how big you are now!" Amanda continued as she pulled off Spock's sleepwear and proceeded to the bath. "Grammy and PapPap haven't seen you since last winter when you were just a bitty baby."_

_Spock giggled as Amanda poured water on his head._

_"You'll get to see the horsies and play with the kitties and I'll bet Ol' Blue will let you ride on his back," Amanda rambled as she dried Spock off._

_"Uh-oh," Spock announced as he emitted a thin stream into the bath._

_Amanda laughed. "Good thing we were finished!"_

_Spock was dried, diapered, dressed, and ready to go presently. Amanda sat her son in the middle of her large bed._

_"Now, you be good, Baby," she began. "Mama's got to get ready now." Amanda removed her dressing gown and clothed herself quickly, having taken care of her toilette before tending to Spock. Bent over, Amanda played peek-a-boo with her son as she back brushed her long hair. With the speed of practice, she had it twisted and piled into an acceptable Vulcan style in record time.*_

--

Sarek recognized the next dream. It was during one of their rare vacations, this time at the coast south of the Embassy in San Francisco.

_*Amanda suddenly noticed something about the shells. When turned upside down, they nearly matched the shape of her son's delicately pointed ears._

_"Spock," Amanda said playfully, holding both shells up to her ears. "Do I look more Vulcan now?"_

_Spock looked from side to side in amazement. His mother's ears now looked more like his!_

_Amanda picked her son up at the waist and swung him in a circle until he began to giggle with all his might. Amanda put Spock down and he ran from her right into the flock of sea gulls. The startled birds flew off in all directions. Spock tried to pluck them out of the sky, but to no avail. Amanda picked him up over her head and settled him on her shoulders. Holding her son's arms out, she swooped and dipped from side to side giving Spock the illusion that he was flying, just like one of the birds. She carried Spock like this all the way back to the bungalow.*_

--

Because of the nature of his work Sarek had missed so much of his son's development. In a way, Spock had interacted with Amanda more than Sarek had, in his estimation. No, Sarek thought, not more, just in different ways.

Sarek had known Amanda first as a colleague, then as a friend and finally as his wife. Through the way she interacted with Spock, Sarek had observed that Amanda was a good mother. Now, through his son's dream-memories, he knew it first-hand.

*Passing the great faux-glass windows at the front of the building, Amanda caught a reflection of herself being pulled into the daycare center by a very small and eager son. She laughed inwardly at the comical sight of her bright blue gown (Spock's favorite) flapping behind her as she was rushed into the school.

"Please hurry, Mommy," Spock urged. "We are late already."

"We are not late, Baby," she cooed as she came to a stop in front of the door. '''Open House' means that the doors will be unlocked during a specific time and that we may come and go as we please. We are not late."

Spock couldn't grasp the idea. Vulcan doors were never locked and if an event was supposed to start at a certain time, all participants were expected to be there from the beginning. Spock dragged open the door and said, "C'mon, Mommy!"

Amanda shook her head ruefully and entered the daycare center with her zealous son.*

--

Sarek suppressed a smile at the next dream-memory. He had learned the importance of "Show and Tell" that day.

_*Spock stood and bowed._

_"Thank you for coming to my recital," he announced. "Today you will hear selections by T'Cara, Sendelin, Brahams, and variations on some nursery rhymes." It was the same speech he had given at his last recital on Vulcan. As he reseated himself, a look of concentration came over Spock's face as he settled the harp in his lap and on his shoulder._

_Spock's fingers flew and danced over the strings. Amanda smiled through proud tears as her son's tongue appeared between his lips at a particularly difficult passage. At his earlier recital, Spock had faltered on the tempo, but this time, as Sarek noted with satisfaction, Spock kept a steady beat.*_

--

Sarek was familiar with Amanda's antics when it came to St. Patrick's Day. He permitted that small smile as Spock remembered his mother speaking with a wee bit o' the brougue.

_*"Have you ever seen a leprechaun, Mother?"_

_"Indeed I have!"_

_"Really?"_

_"In fact, one sweet leprechaun boy came to live with me six years ago."_

_"He did? What did he look like?"_

_"Oh, he had a cap of shiny brown hair, and big brown eyes the color of melted chocolate. His skin was a pale green and he had the cutest little pointed ears."_

_"Mother! You just described me."_

_"Did I now? Well then, my little leprechaun, since I have me eye on you, you will have to give me some of your gold."_

_"I have no gold, Mother."_

_"Ah, but you do."_

_"I do?"_

_"Aye! You have a treasure of beautiful smiles that make me very happy."_

_"But Father says that Vulcans do not smile."_

_"That is true, but you are human as well. How can we make a compromise?"_

_"Perhaps I can smile for you on occasion, when Father is not home."_

_"That would be satisfactory."_

_"When would you want me to smile for you?"_

_"Tell you what, me boy. You may smile for me on my birthday, and on one other day per year of your own choosing. How is that?"_

_"That is satisfactory. Do you wish to have you first smile now?"_

_"Oh, aye. You owe me a smile for I still have me eye upon you. . . Oh, Spock! The sun just rose on your face fer sure, my son. Thank you."_

_"You are welcome, Mother, but the sun did not rise on my face. It would have burned me up."_

_"Silly boy! I mean that the smile brought a brightness to your face."*_

--

Sarek openly stroked Spock's hair now as he seem to move into a more painful dream. In fact, Sarek considered waking his son up before discarding the idea. Spock had been so very tired and he needed his sleep.

_*Amanda felt a warm touch on her hand. She opened her eyes and looked at her son's bruised, unhappy face._

_"Spock?" she asked. "What's wrong?"_

_"My face hurts," he mumbled back._

_"I'm sure it does," she said as she opened her arms. Spock scrambled to her side and pillowed his abused cheek carefully against his mother's breast. Amanda carded through the heavy, ebony silk of his hair as she felt him get comfortable._

_"I can give you more pain medication," she suggested. Spock shook his head._

_"It makes me sick," the boy admitted. She felt him squeeze her gently, as if she was fragile porcelain._

_"Couldn't I just stay here with you?" he said softly.*_

--

The scene shifted again, this time to a most difficult leave-taking.

_*"Spock! Wait!" a woman's melodious voice called. Spock turned back to see his mother Amanda tear a length of ribbon from her clothing. She knew these robes were Spock's favorite garments on her. "Take this with you," she said tearfully. "Know that I am always with you." Spock took the ribbon from her hands, lingering his fingers on hers._

_"I know, Mother," he said gently before turning to board the shuttle for Earth that would take him to Starfleet Academy._

_"Take this, too," she said pushing a holoframe into his hands._

_Spock pushed the button and saw himself on this Bonding day so many years earlier. He was flanked by a regal, doting Sarek and a smiling, proud Amanda._

_Amanda tapped the image of Sarek. "Remember your father this way, Spock," she said as tears filled her eyes. "Don't remember the way he was today."*_

--

Sarek lowered his head to the bed. He remembered the sharp exchange he and Spock had that day, and later the one he had with Amanda, an argument so bitter and contentious that she had nearly left him, too. Sarek was so conflicted. Never before had being right been so very wrong.

He supposed he fell asleep for a moment. The next thing he knew, someone was stroking his hair gently.

"Amanda?" he murmured.

"No, Father," Spock replied quietly. "It is I."

"She was here," Sarek stated with conviction, "in your dreams."

"Yes," Spock answered. "She will always live in my memories and in my dreams, just as Nyota said."

Sarek studied Spock closely. The long rest and the reliving of so many dreams had done his son a world of good. His eyes looked less haunted. Sarek wondered how he appeared to Spock. Did looked as peaceful? as rested? Perhaps sharing their dreams was the key to healing for this great and terrible loss that nearly swallowed them both.

Sarek considered this Nyota Uhura. He had seen the woman on the bridge, had interacted briefly with her over the last few days. She had a strong spirit and was esthetically pleasing besides. Amanda would have called her "a lovely woman, inside and out."

Sarek agreed wholeheartedly.

"Your Nyota is a very wise woman," he commented to his son, "very much like your mother."

"Indeed she is," Spock agreed.

"Will I be welcoming her into the clan soon, my son?" Sarek inquired.

"If she will have me. You tacitly gave me permission to love her, Father," Spock reminded, "when you told me of your feelings for Mother." He permitted himself a small copy of the smile he gave his mother in a dream.

Dreams, Sarek mused. Their recent life had been nothing but nightmares, but those were merely clouds that shrouded the lifetime of pleasant memories that came before. Sarek knew that he and Spock and all the surviving Vulcans would need to learn from their past, release what they could not change and emulate the good they remembered. To survive as a people they would have to survive first as individuals. They could not survive if they continued to cling to the nightmares. Together they would have to dream of the new life they would create together.

-END STORY-


End file.
